My New Respect for Parents

My husband and I were told at the end of December that our baby's 20 week ultrasound scan showed a few cysts. Initially I assumed it was me who had the cysts after the nurse told me on the phone that my doctor was going to wait to see if they go away on their own. After finally getting a chance to sit down with our doctor at the latest monthly check-up this past week and ask about that bit of information, it turns out these cysts were seen on our baby's brain. There was a big long name for this, but bilateral cysts are pretty much the only words I remember.

When these cysts show up, doctors will point out they are sometimes correlated to a chromosomal abnormality that can have serious complications. So my doctor did mention that, but she also was quick to say there were no other markers found on the ultrasound. Stupidly, I looked it up when I got home from the doctor. Because who does not scour the Internet for more information these days? (Probably people who know better than to go down that rabbit hole.) Of course the first results that come up for a search on bilateral cysts on a baby's brain in utero discuss how babies with this particular chromosomal abnormality associated with these kinds of cysts have a higher risk of stillbirth and often do not live past infancy.

Hello, freak out moment!

The reassuring news is that there was nothing indicating physical developmental complications, which would give doctors a high possibility of concern for this chromosomal anomaly. The rational side of me has had to repeatedly remind my husband and myself that if there were strong indications of something atypical with our baby the doctors would be scheduling tests immediately, not waiting weeks to perform another ultrasound as is the plan. While this is quite logical thinking, keeping one's sanity and having patience while we wait until week 28 is easier said than done.

The fact that there are so many results that even came up on an Internet search should tell me this is a fairly common phenomenon. I did find someone's post suggesting a correlation between seeing cysts on an ultrasound and extremely high IQ's in children after birth. I joked to my husband that perhaps we have nothing to worry about because we very likely made our very own Sheldon Cooper (from our favorite TV show The Big Bang Theory). My husband did not seem to find the humor in that.

And so we wait. Now every time the baby kicks me I pray that he or she is healthy because that is the only thing I can do. And I try to remember on days where there is less movement that I may not feel every kick because our baby had to be a rebel and attach him/herself to the front of my uterus.

News like this changes the tone of expectation for the birth of a child. We went from teasing each other about whether we will raise a boy or a girl to concern over the mere survival of this child. It is a gut wrenching fear that sits in the back of your mind and has no comparison for any other fear previously experienced in life. It creeps into your thoughts in the middle of the night as it invades your slumber, and it stalks your thoughts in the middle of the day. It gives me a whole new respect for parents.

But I am grateful for those little things that remind you perhaps everything will be okay. On day two of trying to wrap our minds around this unexpected hiccup, my husband and I received a package in the mail from a former co-worker of mine. She sent us a book to read while we wait for the arrival of our blessed little one. How coincidental is it that just as my husband and I are feeling anxious, a dear friend sends us the book Waiting Is Not Easy! by Mo Willems? In the book, Piggie has a surprise for Gerald, but Gerald is frustrated because he has to wait for the surprise. Piggie reassures him it will be worth it, and in the end Gerald declares it was worth the wait.

And so we wait.